Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

OT: What does being overweight do to you emotionally?

Question:

I’m one of the few people who worked pretty hard to accept myself the way I am.  So being fat never bothered me emotionally.  

It sure does a number on *my* head. I met someone a couple weeks ago for coffee and he kept telling me I was a very beautiful lady.  I thanked him but  inside I could NOT believe him.   I do not see it at all.  what I see in  the mirror is an *ugly* person physically and how could *anyone* like that  to look at much less sleep with. Miss J (Hamilton, Ontario)

Response:

I could write a dissertation.  I really could.  I’ve been fat, literally all my life, if not in truth, then in my mind.  In truth, I’ve not been fat all my life, but I wasn’t a skinny child as were a lot of my friends, and I thought I was much fatter than I was.  Then, I was fat, and got fatter. And my life has been… interesting.  I never took the lead on relationships, and suspect I lost out on several, because I was too unaware, too afraid.   I lost my career — partially because of the reality of overweight, and partially because of the fear. Emotionally?  I worked really hard at self-acceptance, and would get there, and then fall off the horse.  And at 347, or wherever I really was at some time or other, let’s face it — you can be as emotionally secure as you want to be, but others will still be a**holes. It’s amazing to me, now that I’m a "reasonable size" (and still quite fat, for the record) that people treat me so differently.  what does this do to me emotionally?  It ticks me off.  I go from being pleased to really angry – because, frankly, the inner me?  It’s no different than it was 10 months ago.  I’m still the me who worked hard, paid my way through school, got three degrees, hodls four jobs, and excels at all of them.  Only now, because I’m 62 pounds lighter, I’m suddenly more interesting, more disciplined, more…?  I don’t buy it.  All I did was cut out carbs and, when I’d lost enough weight that it didn’t hurt to move as much, re-added the exercise I’d been doing before my life more or less fell apart. What does being overweight do to me emotionally?  I don’t know. I can’t recall thin – so I don’t know who I was — or who I’ll be.  But I suspect I’ll be me – only, I won’t have the "this person is a bigot" filter firmly in place, and may have to be more cautious. Good thing I don’t really care of people like me or not, ’cause if I did, I’d be in a pootload of trouble as I continue to get thinner. — Nancy Howells (don’t forget to switch it, and replace the to send mail).

Response:

I’ve been in therapy the past couple of months trying to get over a relationship that ended.  Ok, he wasn’t perfect, but the destruction of the relationship was mostly because of me.  More specifically because of my insecurities. And my biggest insecurity has always been my weight. I just could never trust that this hot, buff, cute, sweet, smart guy would actually want to be with fat, disgusting me.  At first when I’d play the "I’m so fat!" game, he’d tell me how attractive I was.  He never lied, he did say I could stand to lose some weight, but that in spite of that I was well-proportioned and pretty, and it was enough for him.  But I still felt bad about myself, no matter what he said, and it got old for him. It wasn’t the weight that turned him off, it was my whining, my lack of confidence, and my lack of the ability to trust that he really liked me.  I was overly needy and overly sensitive.  I was constantly testing him with stupid fights, and eventually he just got fed up and left. This made me look really hard at myself, at what I was doing to myself by being overweight.  I decided I never want to do to another relationship what I did to this one. It also helps that my sister has been moaning about her weight, and up until recently not doing anything about it.  Going out with her and trying to have fun, and having to sit there listening to her being down on herself made me see how I looked to others.  Now she’s joined a gym and I’m so proud of her and like hanging out with her so much more, because she’s proud of herself again.   They say "Don’t lose weight for anyone else, lose it for yourself."  I agree with that, but sometimes seeing how your low self-esteem drives people away can be a good motivator.   Every day that I follow my exercise and eating plan makes me feel just that much better about myself.  It’s not about the pounds and inches dropping off, it’s about my ability to make goals and work towards them.  And liking who I am and being proud of myself will make my relationships better, and that is my motivation, whether it should be or not.  Fitting into smaller jeans is no way near as important to me as being emotionally healthy and stable, and being strong enough to love without fear. — -Michelle Levin (Luna) http://www.mindspring.com/~lunachick http://www.mindspring.com/~designbyluna

Response:

It’s not about the pounds and inches dropping off, it’s about my ability to make goals and work towards them.  

I think this is a great statement, Luna. Something that would really help as a sort of mantra for times when we get depressed if the scales don’t move for a while. — Hazel Atkins since May 27th 03 170/158/126 South Wales UK

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve been in therapy the past couple of months trying to get over a relationship that ended.  Ok, he wasn’t perfect, but the destruction of the relationship was mostly because of me.  More specifically because of my insecurities. And my biggest insecurity has always been my weight. I just could never trust that this hot, buff, cute, sweet, smart guy would actually want to be with fat, disgusting me.  At first when I’d play the "I’m so fat!" game, he’d tell me how attractive I was.  He never lied, he did say I could stand to lose some weight, but that in spite of that I was well-proportioned and pretty, and it was enough for him.  But I still felt bad about myself, no matter what he said, and it got old for him. It wasn’t the weight that turned him off, it was my whining, my lack of confidence, and my lack of the ability to trust that he really liked me.  I was overly needy and overly sensitive.  I was constantly testing him with stupid fights, and eventually he just got fed up and left. This made me look really hard at myself, at what I was doing to myself by being overweight.  I decided I never want to do to another relationship what I did to this one. It also helps that my sister has been moaning about her weight, and up until recently not doing anything about it.   Going out with her and trying to have fun, and having to sit there listening to her being down on herself made me see how I looked to others.  Now she’s joined a gym and I’m so proud of her and like hanging out with her so much more, because she’s proud of herself again. They say "Don’t lose weight for anyone else, lose it for yourself."  I agree with that, but sometimes seeing how your low self-esteem drives people away can be a good motivator. Every day that I follow my exercise and eating plan makes me feel just that much better about myself.  It’s not about the pounds and inches dropping off, it’s about my ability to make goals and work towards them.   And liking who I am and being proud of myself will make my relationships better, and that is my motivation, whether it should be or not.  Fitting into smaller jeans is no way near as important to me as being emotionally healthy and stable, and being strong enough to love without fear.

Well, you’ve taken a very important step.  Even determining that you’re partially at fault for the breakup of a relationship is a large step, and you’ve gone beyond that.  It can be a hard road, this looking into our negative aspects and trying to expunge them.  It’s not easy. By the way, if you have a chance to do some reading, I recommend a book called "Keeping the Love You Find," by Harville Hendrix.  Although it’s not related to improving yourself through weight loss, it is a book about relationships and why we select certain people.  It also has — at the end, unfortunately — quite a few tips for stretching yourself as a person so that you’ll hopefully select a better mate. Also, I realize that liking oneself is an important goal, but sometimes fitting into smaller jeans is a bit easier to meet, in the sense that how does one gauge whether one likes oneself?  A goal of fitting into jeans can be easily determined — you either fit into the jeans or you don’t.  A goal of liking oneself may not only be hard to gauge but may be a never-ending road.  For instance, I think I like myself, but I went to two 8 minute dating events (where you meet a number of potential mates for dates of eight minutes each), where I selected 10 women, yet none selected me (there has to be a mutual selection for a match to be made).  I was stunned and my confidence was shaken.  I went from liking myself to "what the hell’s wrong with me?"  Now, I’m back to liking myself again, but there are definitely going to be bumps in the road ahead for me.  And don’t be afraid to get involved with someone again — it’s commonly thought that a person must be made "perfect" before becoming involved with another person, but this isn’t true.  Often, the real growth for someone comes when they are involved with another person.  For instance, I have a problem accepting compliments — I tend to pass them off without really accepting them.  Well, there’s really no way for me to practice accepting compliments from myself — I need someone else to give me a compliment (which has to be a real compliment — your brain will see right through a false compliment), then I need to practice accepting the compliment.  Without someone else, I can’t evolve in this area. Good luck with your endeavors. — Bob M in CT

Response:

the weight that turned him off, it was my whining, my lack of confidence, and my lack of the ability to trust that he really liked me.  I was overly needy and overly sensitive.  I was constantly testing him with stupid fights, and eventually he just got fed up and left.

  I can feel for both of you.  Really.  I don’t think that your mindset at the time was a particularly rare one.  Do you think the therapy helped you to really deal with it? They say "Don’t lose weight for anyone else, lose it for yourself."  I agree with that, but sometimes seeing how your low self-esteem drives people away can be a good motivator.  

  That doesn’t seem to entirely jive with my experiences, but people are different. off, it’s about my ability to make goals and work towards them.  And liking who I am and being proud of myself will make my relationships better, and that is my motivation, whether it should be or not.

  That sounds pretty rational to me… and if I do say so myself, that’s saying something! — Mike Graham                  | Metalworker, rustic, part-time zealot. <http://www.metalmangler.com| First run on low-carb: 320lbs to 210lbs.             Restarted June 01/2003 – 245/229/not sure.

Response:

I’ve been in therapy the past couple of months trying to get over a relationship that ended.  Ok, he wasn’t perfect, but the destruction of the relationship was mostly because of me.

Are *we* having  the same *life* girl???  I am going through *exactly* the very same thing right now.  Just got home from my 4rth therapy session.  More specifically because of my insecurities. And my biggest insecurity has always been my weight.

I  have others but this is my *biggest* one right now. I just could never trust that this hot, buff, cute, sweet, smart guy would actually want to be with fat, disgusting me.  At first when I’d play the "I’m so fat!" game, he’d tell me how attractive I was.  He never lied, he did say I could stand to lose some weight, but that in spite of that I was well-proportioned and pretty, and it was enough for him.  But I still felt bad about myself, no matter what he said, and it got old for him. It wasn’t the weight that turned him off, it was my whining, my lack of confidence, and my lack of the ability to trust that he really liked me.  I was overly needy and overly sensitive.  I was constantly testing him with stupid fights, and eventually he just got fed up and left.

My recent ex *never* complimented me at all on my looks,  not *once* in the 2 years we spent together,  and it seriously made me wonder why….it made me wonder why a *LOT*.    I am pretty positive now that is why I treated him and he got fed up  with  *me* and left and I *don’t* blame him a bit for going. I remember once my ex had to help someone trapped in an automobile and mentioned that the lady driving the van was *pretty*.   That really bothered me for a very *long* time and I wondered..well what am  I to him? Chopped liver?  I have low self esteem to  begin with because of my  size but feeling that he never thought of me as *pretty* got to me emotionally and it hurt me even  though he never knew it and I  never told him  about  that.  Unfortunately I took  how I  feel  about myself..my size…..out on him in the worst of ways.    I miss him and his company because he was really good to me in *other* ways but right now until I emotionally *deal*  with my  weight issues I cannot even be *in* a relationship  which  isn’t good  for the fellow I am seeing now. A nice person but  I have to tell him later tonight that I cannot see him anymore before it gets serious. This made me look really hard at myself, at what I was doing to myself by being overweight.  I decided I never want to do to another relationship what I did to this one.

I’m going through that right now . They say "Don’t lose weight for anyone else, lose it for yourself."  I agree with that, but sometimes seeing how your low self-esteem drives people away can be a good motivator.

This is true.   I am so afraid of being the one who gets hurt that I hurt others  instead.  It’s not  good and I believe losing my weight will  bring  my self esteem  up to a point where I will not do that anymore.  I will feel better about  myself  and act better then. Every day that I follow my exercise and eating plan makes me feel just that much better about myself.

I remember feeling that way when I  lost my  original 45 pounds. I felt sooooooo *good* about myself physically AND emotionally. It’s not about the pounds and inches dropping off, it’s about my ability to make goals and work towards them.

Yes!!  :-) And liking who I am and being proud of myself will make my relationships better, and that is my motivation, whether it should be or not.  Fitting into smaller jeans is no way near as important to me as being emotionally healthy and stable, and being strong enough to love without fear.

I very much can understand this.   Email me privately  if you want to discuss it with someone going through the *exact* same thing right now. Miss J (Hamilton, Ontario)

Response:

 Great, and honest post Michelle.  I wish you well.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m one of the few people who worked pretty hard to accept myself the way I am.  So being fat never bothered me emotionally.  However, since our looks and our bodies seem to be everyone else’s business, my being overweight would be an easy source of amusement to the masses, so I was pretty good for something .  People seemed to think I had no idea what my size was and would therefore inform me, much to my utter amazement, that I was fat! (So that’s why Vogue kept rejecting me!<EG) Seriously, though, I’ve always believed it is what is on the inside, and a person’s character, that TRULY counts, and still do.   When I was heavier the things that bothered me were nothing to do with emotions.  I had irregular periods, heartburn, loss of energy, and other physical complaints, but emotionally I was satisfied with who I was. Crafting Mom http://ca.photos.yahoo.com/craftingmom2001 250+/186/160 – (5lb challenge June goal – 182) LC WOL since Spring ‘02.  

I get that, I really do.  I understand that the a person’s character is what matters.  But for me, having something in my life that I wanted to change, and having the knowledge and ability to change it, yet _not_ doing anything about it, is a character issue.   It was the same thing as when I was unemployed, yet I let days, weeks, months go by without looking for a job.  When I finally started looking, and actually working to get a job, I felt better about myself, even before I got a job, just to know I was finally doing something about a thing in my life that I didn’t like. — -Michelle Levin (Luna) http://www.mindspring.com/~lunachick http://www.mindspring.com/~designbyluna

Response:

Emotionally  it does a *number* on my head. It *really* does. As a child I  was always a  bit *plump*.  I suspect that  had something to do with my having PCOS.    When  I was about 9 years old (from  what I can  gather looking  at my old childhood  photos)  I started gaining weight.  In my childhood report cards there are references to my increasing weight made by the teachers. I remember my mom putting me on diets a lot because the school was always going  on to  her about  my weight.  The other kids teased me a lot, called me very hurtful  names and shunned me because of my weight and  my looks.  The  only  kids who didn’t were the  other overweight ones. Once when I was around 12 I was outside playing  and minding   my  own business. I remember this boy named Kenny coming  up to  me and asking me if he could be my *boyfriend*.  I didn’t believe him and I felt very suspicious.  You know  that feeling you get when something doesn’t feel quite *right*.  I told him  No  but he sat there and managed somehow to convince me enough so I ended up saying Okay. Once I said that he started laughing and started BIG  TIME callin g me names and ridiculing him  about my weight and over in the corner of the townhouse survey we lived in a group of HIS friends started laughing  when they  heard him.  I went  into the  house in tears and after that never went outside much anymore . I still don’t. Even nowadays when I walk down the street minding  my own  business and even having a *good* day emotionally someone will yell names at me from a passing car and ruin my whole day after that.  I do not care what anyone says but names really *hurt* me.    I see the *looks* from certain ppl even when they try to hide it because I  have gotten so used to seein g that. I am so afraid of being called things I will push ppl away with my actions now because I figure if I hurt *them* first  then they have no chance to  hurt me.  It ruins *any* relationships I  have or have had and  through therapy I am trying  to rememdy that.  I keep to myself a lot too and i know it is because of how being overweight  affects me emotionally. Because of  my weight, emotionally I am a mess…..BIG TIME. Miss J (Hamilton, Ontario)

Response:

Filed under: PCOS

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